Jesse's Birthday

Spent the day doing a drawing of Rolland, which I should have done last winter. We drew names at the Fall meeting of the gallery last year and are supposed to do a portrait of the person we got for a show that starts August 25th. Of course I procrastinated, but found I had unexpected free time today that I had planned to use painting at the new house. Yesterday I took a few pictures of Rolland and did one drawing yesterday. No matter how hard I tried, how much I fussed with it, I couldn't get the likeness. I started fresh today and like the results. It still isn't quite Rolland, but it seems to be the best I can do.

My cousin Michelle called from someplace on the coast where she and my aunt Jeanne, or Jeanne-Marie as she calls herself now, were having lunch. They are going to meet me in Bangor on Wednesday and then follow me back here to Eastport. I am really anxious to see them after thirty years or so, but I wish I weren't in the middle of moving. The house is an absolute mess, and I really have no place for them to sleep. They said they would be happy on a cot in the studio, but I can't picture my 84 year old aunt being comfortable there. Nevertheless, it is going to happen and I will spend tomorrow trying to get the house in some kind of shape. I have neglected it because of the impending move, and now have a lot to make up for. It will be quite an event to see them. Jeanne was always my favorite relative, and I liked Michelle when she was a kid. It's hard to imagine what she is like now, at age fifty-three. She also reminded me on the phone that for her I was still seventeen.

Today is Jesse's birthday. He is now the age I was when he was two. and Carrie was four. I never thought life would pass by like this while I still feel the same age as I have always been. I guess I imagined that sometime I would grow up and be what I thought adults were when I was a child. I have to keep reminding myself that growing up has happened, that I didn't notice, and that it didn't make much difference. I don't know what surprises me more--that I am a full-fledged adult ot that the people I used to think were adults were really like I am now.

Well, children's birthdays are certainly measuring sticks, for them and for their parents. I still remember the first look I had at Jesse. I saw him through nitrous oxide tainted eyes, being held up by some nurse, screaming his head off. I thought he was adorable, which came as a surprise to me. I had expected far less of myself and Phil. They never ceased to amaze me, my children, because they were so cute and smart and well-behaved and easy. I was always waiting for disaster, never believing that I could be so lucky. I still look back with disbelief that they were, and continue to be, so wonderful.

Jesse and Sabrina are going out to eat tonight, and Jesse will probably get gifts. I am not much of a part of his life any more, sending an e-card with good wishes and love from afar. But I am always his mother, and he is always my son. What an amazing thing.