Saturday, August 09, 2014
I am feeling increasingly insecure about my ability to pay my expenses here. I explore the possibility of assisted living housing for the elderly ( a term I can not believe applies to me, yet it does), where I would have basically two rooms to live in. The apartments are modern and clean, with laundry rooms in the basement and a community room on the first floor. In my imagination they have group activities like playing cards, communal puzzles, and sing-alongs. One pet is all they allow, if they allow them at all. Heat is included in the rent, which is the only redeeming feature for me. I try to imagine myself in such a place.
I see myself with no dogs, no chickens, no studio, no garden. I see myself leaving this house I love and have lived in for so many years. The picture is unacceptable. Everything that constitutes who and what I am would be gone. Yet every year my fixed income buys less than the year before. At the same time the benefits I used to get because my income is so low are being taken away. Prices are going up on everything as well. I try not to think about this, but as it gets harder to manage it seems that I am in a constant state of financial emergency.
Well, there's no point in complaining about it, and I really am not complaining, but worrying. It's hard not to talk about it because it is such a large factor in my existence. Yet I know it sounds like whining. Off and on I feel overwhelmed. I am happy at my core, though, and resilient.