Saturday, August 09, 2014

Lilies, etc.

I bought these lily bulbs on the discount counter at Mardens late in the Spring.  I always question my purchases made at a salvage store, but I risked it.  They are so beautiful I wish I had bought more, and certainly I will get more in the spring.  Planting bulbs is a leap of faith, of confidence that the time will come when they will grow and bloom.  In my case, it is also an expression of my hope that I will still be here to see them, in this house,to see my garden rejuvenate itself. 

I am feeling increasingly insecure about my ability to pay my expenses here.  I explore the possibility of assisted living housing for the elderly ( a term I can not believe applies to me, yet it does), where I would have basically two rooms to live in.  The apartments are modern and clean, with laundry rooms in the basement and a community room on the first floor.  In my imagination they have group activities like playing cards, communal puzzles, and sing-alongs.  One pet is all they allow, if they allow them at all.  Heat is included in the rent, which is the only redeeming feature for me.  I try to imagine myself in such a place.

I see myself with no dogs, no chickens, no studio, no garden.  I see myself leaving this house I love and have lived in for so many years.  The picture is unacceptable.  Everything that constitutes who and what I am would be gone.  Yet every year my fixed income buys less than the year before.  At the same time the benefits I used to get because my income is so low are being  taken away.  Prices are going up on everything as well.  I try not to think about this, but as it gets harder to manage it seems that I am in a constant state of financial emergency. 

Well, there's no point in complaining about it, and I really am not complaining, but worrying.  It's hard not to talk about it because it is such a large factor in my existence.  Yet I know it sounds like whining.  Off and on I  feel overwhelmed.  I am happy at my core, though, and resilient.


P. J. Grath said...

There are a lot of us facing these issues and asking ourselves these questions. I hope you will be able to stay in your house for as long as you want to, with your gardens, dogs, and chickens.

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