Tuesday, August 02, 2005
The end of the Wallpaper Steamer
I worked until two o'clock stripping wallpaper in the kitchen and then couldn't do anymore. My shoulders, which have held up admirably, simply gave out and I wasn't able to hoist the steamer onto the wall one more time. I managed to get two walls done before I gave up. My chronic bursitis did me in. I feel old and inadequate, but the wallpaper in the kitchen had to be scraped off in miniscule flakes, and with great difficulty. The second layer was vinyl, and the steam couldn't penetrate it to soften the glue. Well, I did my best. I took pictures of the progress we were making while the steamer heated up. In some ways it looks worse than it did originally, but this is the destruction phase. From now on things should start to take a turn for the better.
I spoke with Ann at the bank today, and she asked for documentation of my divorce settlement and bankruptcy. She also needs copies of income tax returns, which is what is bothering me the most. I did not claim a lot of my income on my tax returns because I was trying to avoid paying very much tax. Now this is coming back to haunt me, because my stated income on the loan application was higher than the tax returns show. It is this discrepancy that worries me and I fear that it may cause me to be denied the mortgage loan. Will I lose everything I've been counting on? I dare not contemplate it, but it lurks in the back of my mind and prevents an uncomplicated sense of anicipation. I still feel in limbo.
All chickens lived to see another day. One of the Demeters and Mary ate out of my hand today for the first time. I really love my chickens.
At the end of the day I spent some time with David. We discussed religion, among other things, which evolved out of memories of Quebec. It is difficult to visit Quebec without thinking about Catholicism, it is so present there. If I could have chosen it, I might have been born into a devout family there. I would have been raised among people who look like I do. My name St. Germain would have been common, and I would have gone through life knowing that a higher power had my best interests in mind, no matter how it seemed to me. I would have surrendered myself to another authority, confident that all things happen for a reason I am not capable of understanding. Instead, I know that I mean nothing in the larger sheme of things and that my existence is finite. I know that what happens in my life is trivial and insignificant, that I am a particle of matter making what I can out of the smallness of my existence within the context of my world, which is infinitesimal within the cosmos.