Saturday, June 09, 2007
A blanket of sadness drapes over me. I feel strangely distant, off to the side. I carry a secret burden every moment of each day. In my mind I constantly review my own loss and Alice's misery. They are like a TV on in the other room, buzzing and babbling in barely audible murmers. If I stopped to listen, it would fill me up and drown me. Ignoring the sound takes a lot of energy and I fall asleep early every night, dreaming unpleasant dreams I can't remember. I wake up smelling lilacs, happy dogs licking my face, sun streaming through the windows. I am immediately aware of everything in my life, without one second of amnesia, not one groggy moment when there exists only the present......this is me getting out of bed, smelling lilacs, feeling the sun. Those moments are lost to me for the time being. I am hypersensitive, vigilant. Nothing can catch me unawares.