Wednesday, July 27, 2005
House, Therapy, and Afterward
I took pictures of the debris generated by the beginning of renovations at the house. I'm sure I will need them later to remind me of what the place looked like at this stage. Right now I am in such a fog I question whether I will remember anything about what is happening. I feel as if I have been given a present so huge that I am having trouble recognizing it as reality. I go through the motions, but can't really believe it is happening. I look around, bewildered, unable to do what is expected of me in the way of decisions or opinions. It is as if none of it actually has anything to do with me. If it were true, the gratitude and guilt I would feel would overwhelm me. I keep it all at a distance. My underservedness precludes such an enormous gift. And yet, there it is.
One trouble I am having is the lack of my therapy sessions, where Alice assures me time after time that it is all right for good things to happen to me; that, in fact, I might actually deserve them. She is gone for three weeks to care for her daughter, who is having surgery. My jealousy is menacing and difficult to squelch. My mind spins around the awful truth, pushing it out of the way, while I try to assemble correct thoughts of sympathy and well-wishing. The effort is almost more than I can muster. The energy required to ignore these innappropriate thoughts leaves me exhausted.
Today I had an appointment with Ann, who is supposed to support me while Alice is gone. She is such a nice person that I am afraid my being in the same room with her will somehow contaminate her. Putting aside such unacceptable(according to Alice) perceptions of myself, I kept the appointment. By so doing, I missed the Wednesday art group, which Diana was hosting in Judy's absense. I came late in order to dispel the uneasiness of the day in the company of friends. It turned out that only David had come and I walked in on what was probably a long-desired opportunity for the two of them to spend time alone with one another. I felt as if I were a third wheel and wished I had gone directly home. We all tried to make the best of the situation, though, and my visit was mercifully short since they were taking the boat to Lubec for the concert. They were having dinner, which Thom had been cooking, before the boat left and were in a hurry. After I got home I had a message from David that Thom had misunderstood and set a place at the table for me, too. He said I could still come if I wanted to, but that they were quite pressed for time. I didn't go.
It is difficult to be with Diana and David together since they turn into different people from what they are when each one is alone. They snipe at one another like a married couple who vent their festering complaints in front of company to prevent consequences that might occur in a freer environment. The company (me) suffers some of the overflow of the irritability that permeates the atmosphere. It is mildly unpleasant and hard to keep in perspective, at least for me who abhors any kind of dissention. Diana has been quite testy lately anyway. I am only one of several who have mentioned it. She stuck her tongue out at me last night at the gallery meeting for a perfectly innocent remark(one of the few I managed to make in view of the incredible boredom I was experiencing). Well, the situation arises very seldom since Diana and I rarely see David at the same time.
I came home slightly disturbed, feeling that the best place for me was alone with my animals.